I have a nine week old baby at home. Last night he fell asleep laying on my lap. He had been fighting sleep for a long time and I was relieved that finally at 10:30 he was sleeping. He had been asleep for about ten minutes when suddenly his eyes shot wide open, he started waving his arms and legs wildly and looking all over in a panic while preparing to cry. Then he saw me: his head turned toward me and he made eye contact with me. He smiled a little sleepy smile, slowly closed his eyes, then collapsed over toward me until his forehead was laying against my stomach.
It made me warm all over.
Fatherhood has surprised me. I never thought that I didn't want kids, but I never really felt any drive to have kids either. Lisa wanted to pretty early in our marriage and I kept pushing it off. Because I never felt a strong drive to have kids, the reasons not to do so always outweighed the reasons to have kids: I'm still in school, we can't afford it, I'm not working full time, I'm not where I thought I would be in my life... all these reasons kept me from wanting to have kids. Lisa, fortunately, was full of patience and grace.
Finally I felt ready to have kids, and soon after we were pregnant. When Lisa told me the news I was excited and that excitement grew as we shared the news with others. Then we saw an ultrasound of the top of this tiny little head with these little spindly arms and legs flying wildly around it and it was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen. It was when I could feel Callum moving that I really started to love him. I could lay on Lisa's lap and read books to Callum and he would start kicking when he recognized my voice (once he kicked me in the ear so hard it hurt!). It was still a little harder to love a concept, a person I had never met and I didn't yet know if that person was going to be Cal or Anya, but then he was born and instantly I loved him and my whole world became consumed by him.
Romantic relationships no matter how whirlwind they may seem involve a slow buildup. You fall more and more in love over time, perhaps moving from friendship to love or attraction to love, but the love continues to grow and change. I have no doubt that I will learn to love my son more and more, and I have no doubt that our relationship will grow and change. However, when Callum was born, once where there was nothing, minutes later there was this little person for whom I had this instant fully-formed love. There simply isn't any relationship I have ever experienced that I could compare to it.
Now his mood holds sway over my moods. When he cries or hurts I feel so sad and can't think of anything else. When I make him happy again or make him smile or laugh or fall asleep I feel a sense of accomplishment and happiness that would be hard to match. And now I am getting ready to do something that I never thought I would do. I am going to quit my job to stay home with Callum for the next nine months so that we don't have to send him to day care until he is older, and I'm so excited about it I can't believe it.
Jordan, that is beautifully written and I wish I could have expressed these feeling so well myself. You've given words to so much of my experience as well. And let me tell you, it just gets better and better!
ReplyDeleteAlso, congratulations on your decision to be a stay-at-home dad! Reb and I have a roughlt 50/50 split right now, but I have several friends who are stay-at-home dads. I love the time I spend with Max during the week. This morning we went running in the forest (I use a Babyjogger to take him with me when I go running), ate some lunch/threw some lunch on the floor, and then spent at least an hour reading books. There are so many joys in having a little boy, but so far one of the greatest of all has been when he picks up a book, comes over to me, and plunks himself down in my lap and waits for me to read to him. It is wonderful that we are dads in this age when dads can do these things. Reb's grandmother recently commented 'it's like he's taken the child as his own,' to which Reb's mom responded 'It is his own! What do you mean? Who's child do you think it is?' It must have been so different to be a man in the past.
Thanks Herschel! I am really excited about it, though in a bit of old-fashionedness I am surprised to find that I'm having some anxiety over not having a career for a while. I'm kind of dreading being asked "what do you do?".
ReplyDeleteWhen Callum was born you saw a picture of him sucking his thumb just after he was born and commented that he was a genius. So occasionally I remind him that my smartest friend says he's a genius.