A Favorite Poem for Your Edification

As I Walked Out One Evening W.H. Auden
As I walked out one evening, Walking down Bristol Street, The crowds upon the pavement Were fields of harvest wheat. And down by the brimming river I heard a lover sing Under an arch of the railway: 'Love has no ending. 'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you Till China and Africa meet, And the river jumps over the mountain And the salmon sing in the street, 'I'll love you till the ocean Is folded and hung up to dry And the seven stars go squawking Like geese about the sky. 'The years shall run like rabbits, For in my arms I hold The Flower of the Ages, And the first love of the world.' But all the clocks in the city Began to whirr and chime: 'O let not Time deceive you, You cannot conquer Time. 'In the burrows of the Nightmare Where Justice naked is, Time watches from the shadow And coughs when you would kiss. 'In headaches and in worry Vaguely life leaks away, And Time will have his fancy To-morrow or to-day. 'Into many a green valley Drifts the appalling snow; Time breaks the threaded dances And the diver's brilliant bow. 'O plunge your hands in water, Plunge them in up to the wrist; Stare, stare in the basin And wonder what you've missed. 'The glacier knocks in the cupboard, The desert sighs in the bed, And the crack in the tea-cup opens A lane to the land of the dead. 'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes And the Giant is enchanting to Jack, And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer, And Jill goes down on her back. 'O look, look in the mirror, O look in your distress: Life remains a blessing Although you cannot bless. 'O stand, stand at the window As the tears scald and start; You shall love your crooked neighbour With your crooked heart.' It was late, late in the evening, The lovers they were gone; The clocks had ceased their chiming, And the deep river ran on.

On the gross side of being a father

Not for the faint of heart.

This morning when Callum first woke up as usual he wanted to expend some energy so I changed his diaper then put him in the jumper (a seat with a spring that hangs from a doorway) and laid back down.  I laid down and watched him jump for a little bit (it's a new skill for him and a lot of fun to watch) until he wasn't having fun anymore.  Unlike most mornings this morning it REALLY wasn't fun anymore.  Callum started bawling so I got up and pulled him out of the jumper.  As I did so I noticed that his sock was wet.  The only light was the early morning sun coming through the window.  I thought his sock was wet because the jumper was hanging on the bathroom door and Lisa must have taken a shower and gotten the floor wet.  As I turned him so that I could feel the other sock to feel if it was wet, I felt something wet and slimy all over my chest.

This was the worst diaper blow out we have ever had.  To tell the truth, the cloth diapers that we use are wonderful and our only previous major blowouts had been we were using disposables.  That aside, Callum had a bath, then I had a shower, then the carpet got shampooed, and when Lisa gets home to show me how to take the seat out of the jumper that will get washed.

I mostly wanted to post this because most of my previous posts have been on the good things about being a stay at home dad.  However today also taught me a lesson.  Those of you that know me know that while I'm no germaphobe, I am easily grossed out.  I honestly have to say that the thing I was least certain about before I became a father was my ability to change diapers.  Well, I made it.  Though yes, it is sometimes gross, from day one I haven't had any problems with changing diapers.  And now I've finally been pooped on (a rite of passage in parenthood), and I lived.  I didn't panic or freak out, I cleaned Callum up, then I cleaned myself up, then I cleaned the house.  Before we had Callum I got into a bit of trouble with Lisa for asking if she would think I was a bad father if I used gloves every time I changed the baby (sounds like a joke, but I bought a box), but something in that connection that happened when Callum was born means that I can even get pooped on without thinking twice.

On the decision to have kids and the way I love my son

My wife, Lisa, wanted to have kids pretty soon after we were married but I held off.  First I was concerned financially because I was a full time student and we were living off Lisa's salary and we were barely making it.  We took a financial course called Financial Peace University and got our stuff together and it worked wonders for us.  After I graduated we renewed the discussion about kids, but again I held off because I wasn't working in my field, I didn't feel like I had my life yet, and not being in my chosen career path in a way kept me from feeling like enough of an adult to have kids.  This period is when Lisa and I had bar none the worst fights of our normally very serene marriage.

After a year in my first full time job I was feeling more settled and finally agreed with Lisa that we were ready to have kids.  I'm not sure that I really knew what that meant at the time.  I'm afraid that I meant "I can't find any reasonable objections" rather than "I really want to have a child".  However nature took care of that.

When we had our first positive pregnancy test I was excited and nervously awaiting confirmation from our doctor.  While Lisa was pregnant I had moments of doubt and worry about if we would be able to take care of a child but these were the exception rather than the rule.

When Lisa was about a month pregnant we went on vacation with my parents and we had some indications of a possible problem with the pregnancy and went to the ER twice.  That week was one of the most emotional and scary times in my life.  It turns out that everything was normal and just fine, but I can still feel some of the terror when I remember it.

Over nine months I fell more and more in love with Callum Cameron (or Anastasia Elizabeth, we didn't know the sex of the baby until he was born).  I saw him on the ultrasound when he was just a little 4 week old dot and that was so exciting.  At his first ultrasound I saw the top of his head and his hands flailing around above it, and I began to think about what my baby's personality would be like.  At his next ultrasound we got a video tour of everything that they have to check.  We saw his face, his arms and legs, his spine, and the umbilical cord (we had to look away when the ultrasound tech told us to in order to keep the whole boy/girl thing a surprise, that was really hard).  All of these things were awesome and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

Then came the Big Wait.  We had this arbitrary due date on which we were quite certain he wouldn't arrive, but having that due date did heighten our excitement a lot.  As it got closer and closer we began to ask "will he come early" and hope.  I felt like the minutes before friends come over.  When I am having a get together I get the house ready, get the food and activities ready, then in the minutes before the guests are supposed to arrive I don't do anything but wait and I usually can't even sit down.

We waited and we waited while the due date flew past, one day, two days, three days.  Finally five days after the due Lisa had signs of labor.  We walked around to make sure it didn't stop, and Lisa spent the whole time standing because her contractions would get less frequent when she laid down.  The midwives told us to rest, we would need the energy, but we were both worried that somehow it would stop and we would have to wait longer.

But it didn't stop, so next came hours and hours of hard work.  It was even hard work for me, which since I wasn't having a baby, you can imagine how exhausted Lisa must have been afterwards.  But then there was this baby: this little beautiful baby with my hair and Lisa's eyes.  This scrawny shrieking spindly lump of humanity with a pinched and wrinkled face like an old man's.  And I loved him.  It is like all the years of a relationship, meeting, getting to like one another, getting to know one another, falling in love, growing in love, it's as if all of them were compressed into just a few short moments.

I wasn't certain that I wanted to be a dad or that I would be a good dad, but now even though it was only 5 months ago and even though things are hard some times, I just can't look back and imagine not being a dad.

Feeling Wanted

A few months ago I was pretty well in the depths of despair over ever getting to work in my chosen field.  After I left seminary the economy was bad, few people were hiring, and those that had the ability to choose (i.e. ministers) were generally not doing the retiring, resigning, or moving that they normally do.  So I took the first job that became available to me.  It was a fun job with pretty poor pay.  It was not stressful, but it wasn't fulfilling and didn't really use my primary skillset.  While I was doing that job I dithered around a lot sort of halfheartedly looking for a ministry position, but mostly looking in fits and starts and then getting discouraged about how few job opportunities there were.

Then there was an opening at my church.  At any other church that size it would have been an extreme long shot as a church that large wouldn't take a chance on someone as inexperienced as I was.  Of course it was still a long shot as there were a lot of people applying for the position, many of whom would inevitably have much better credentials than I did.  However, I had been active in a lot of ways at this church and had served a residency there and previously worked with all the staff there.  I heard a lot of positive things about my resume and applying for the position and made it into the final round of candidates, but ultimately they chose someone else.  After that experience I went into a period of anger, burnout, and self-doubt.  I began to seriously doubt my call and to try to figure out what career I would take instead.

Ultimately, however, it lead me to start a very determined and concerted push toward finding a ministry position.  I got into some pastor search databases, started meeting with people inside and outside of my denomination, sent my resume all over, and started doing a lot of courtesy interviews.  Prospects have been emerging.  I have built strong relationships for the residency I am applying for, and have even built some long term prospects for when Lisa and I are ready to move back to the midwest.  I proffered my services to a friend in one interview and now a church down here is creating a position and I am the final stages of the search process with them.  Things are looking very good with regard to that position and I will know for sure in two weeks.  Because they are creating the position out of my interview it definitely aligns with my interests and passions.  Also Lisa and I have been visiting there and have really loved the people and the church.  It is a small church with a lot of children and will be a great place for Callum to be.  Also it is bivocational, so I will be able to continue staying home with Callum.

In a few months my outlook has been completely turned around.  I am once again feeling confident and happy, even enough to counter the strong emotions of my previous despair.  Feeling that someone wants me and believes in me has been simply amazing.